Beauregard

Character reference art generated with AI.

Aliases: none Status: Supporting

Mr. Bitches’ personal valet: a tall man in a perfectly pressed black suit, posture rigid and immaculate, who greets visitors with a slight bow and the line “Greetings. I am Beauregard, Mr. Bitches’ personal valet. Please follow me.” He conducts the Emporium of Sex tour with the polished detachment of a museum guide, unflappable through every obscenity Chino and Homeboy throw at him. He is a separate person from Mr. Bitches (see Notes).

Role in Volume 02

• Mr. Bitches and the Emporium of Sex: His full appearance. He escorts the boys by elevator from the foyer to Mr. Bitches’ office, then on Mr. Bitches’ intercom order gives them the complete tour: the lingerie and toy shop (where the cashier is identical to the hostess), the cinema and control room (where he deadpans through Homeboy’s dildo swordplay, retrieves the dildo with deadpan efficiency, and confirms the performers are “real, live, 100% organic human beings”), and the Palace of Pleasure (where he hands out tablets, arranges Chino’s pick of Sarah, and whispers something inaudible to the hostess before departing). His composure never cracks; his only visible reaction is rolling his eyes and a tone of “restrained annoyance.”
• Uncle Hank and the Naked Pod People: Voice only, over the office intercom, confirming Mr. Bitches’ order to tour Killian’s group: “Yes, of course, sir.”

Notes

• Beauregard and Mr. Bitches are two different people: the valet (pressed suit, rigid posture, unflappable) versus the owner (sequined jacket, lensless sunglasses, theatrical). Do not conflate them.
• His surname is never given; “Beauregard” is the only name the prose provides.