Mr. Bitches

Character reference art generated with AI.

Aliases: none Status: Major

Owner of the Emporium of Sex and later the Jiggly Room strip club: “a vision of decadent fabulousness. Imagine if Liberace and Elton John had a lovechild with sized D breasts raised in a rhinestone factory.” Sequins glitter from his jacket, his sunglasses have no lenses, and his shoes carry more gems than a heist movie. He purrs “I’m Mr. Bitches. Who may I have the delicious pleasure of knowing?” and runs his empire as a merchant of pleasure who nurses a personal vendetta against Chino and Homeboy. He is a separate person from his valet Beauregard (see Notes).

Role in Volume 02

• Mr. Bitches and the Emporium of Sex: His introduction. He receives the boys’ dispensary delivery in his velvet-and-gilt office, pays ten G’s without blinking, and tries to hire them as his “associates of pleasure,” tossing Homeboy a wad of hundreds as an initial offer. He orders Beauregard to tour them through the Emporium. Chino concludes the Cinderella crate on his desk marks the women as sex slaves and resolves to rescue Sarah Yazzie.
• Uncle Hank and the Naked Pod People: He watches Killian’s crew on his surveillance monitors and tours them himself. When Chino and Homeboy storm the pod chamber and free the Naked People, he holds a gun to Killian’s head, fires, and watches Killian get up again. The brawl ends with slap-boxing on the floor and Mary Jane holding the gun on him. Uncle Hank walks in carrying a Cinderella crate; Mr. Bitches pleads “Help me,” and Uncle Hank answers, “I think I’ve helped enough. See ya around.” Alone, Mr. Bitches raises the empty gun to his head, makes mouth sounds (BANG BANG BANG), collapses with dramatic flair, and laughs unhinged: “Chino and Homeboy! Chino and Homeboy! Chino and Homeboy!”
• Lucy Ex Machina: He owns the Jiggly Room. From his office window he spots the crew, fixates on Lucy (“She is like a fallen angel. I must have her”), and has them drugged and imprisoned in a cell. Over the PA he demands Lucy dance for him and only him, forever: “Hello, my lovelies. It’s me. Your much forlorn Mr. Bitches.” His dancers are revealed as next-generation sex robots; Lucy destroys every one of them with Killian’s sword, Freja falling last. Stunned, he slow-claps: “Bravo! Bra-fucking-vo! I’ve never seen anything so spectacular.”
• The Emperor of the Universe: He waits in the Ominous Forest with a chrome Desert Eagle for the Emperor’s shuttle. He guides The Emperor of the Universe to the strip club, presses the Desert Eagle to the club owner’s forehead to force a call luring “Katie Bloom” (Mary Jane’s stage name), and has the Emperor’s Servant collar Sarah and Mary Jane. At the shuttle he argues for proof of life when the Emperor wants them executed. When Sarah yanks his gun away and the collars turn out to be cheap jewelry, he screams “No! No! No! YOU!” and charges the Emperor, catching the full swing of Uncle Rob’s cane in the face.

Notes

• Mr. Bitches and Beauregard are two different people: the owner (sequined, theatrical, lensless sunglasses) versus the valet (pressed suit, rigid, unflappable). The prose keeps them strictly separate; do not conflate them.
• His given name is never revealed; “Mr. Bitches” is the only name the prose provides.
• Killian’s gunshot wound does not kill him; he is immortal.