Volume 02, Story 1
Chino is cross-legged on the couch, locked into a pixelated plumber’s twelfth death, when the door creaks open. It’s Homeboy, who got in because the door was never locked. Before Chino can process that betrayal, the door opens again, and in walks Sarah Yazzie. Beautiful, complicated, devastating Sarah. She rushes him, straddles him on the couch, peppers his face with kisses. Homeboy watches like a kid who walked in on a soap opera. Sarah apologizes for ghosting him, confesses she’s been sleeping around with any guy who’d have her, and none of them satisfied her. Her top comes off. Her hands go for Chino’s pants. Chino catches them: “Baby, Homeboy is right there.” Sarah turns to Homeboy. “Do you mind?” Homeboy, glassy-eyed, starts undoing his own pants. “No jodas, cabrón!” Chino shouts. “She didn’t mean join in, fool!” Homeboy freezes. Sarah corrects him. “Yeah, I did.” Chino shuts that down, sends Homeboy marching toward the bathroom like a gentleman pervert, and proposes they go slow. Start with a date. He calls Homeboy back mid-slink: call Mary Jane, it’s a double date.
King Taco is dressed for the occasion: low lights, bow-tie waiters. Mary Jane arrives with Homeboy and clarifies the relationship instantly: “Oh! We’re not dating.” Sarah blinks. “It looks like you two are a thing.” “That’s because we’re fuck buddies.” Over the booth, Sarah asks about Chris and Homegirl, and Mary Jane unloads the narrative burrito: Uncle Rob made a funky weed that turned Homeboy into a girl, complete with vagina and boobs, and at a party Chris and Homegirl were about to hook up when she turned back into Homeboy. “Yeah… I felt so bad we all just banged each other’s brains out.” Sarah is immediately interested. Gerald, the waiter, arrives with impeccable timing and a soul clearly unprepared. Mary Jane orders for everyone: carne asada burrito with everything and three carne asada tacos for Homeboy, three tacos with onions for herself, a large Jamaica and a large Tamarindo. Sarah’s order: “I’ll have this guy naked on my bed with his big hard cock aching and throbbing to be inside of me.” Gerald doesn’t blink. “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve that here. Just what’s on the menu, ma’am.”
Mary Jane pulls Homeboy aside, worried about Sarah’s feral horniness. Homeboy suggests a movie. Sarah counters with a knitting documentary, “We could do other things besides watch it. Sexy things.” Then a swingers club. Mary Jane just wants Homeboy to take her fuck-me panties off. Homeboy finds the escape route: “Let’s go mini-golf.”
At the park, Buddy, the elderly cashier, outfits them: four beers, four clubs, four balls. Chino and Homeboy clock the anomaly: Sarah, once the biggest lush, doesn’t drink. They float the AA theory, then watch Sarah explain she simply doesn’t drink beer. On hole three Mary Jane sinks a putt and celebrates: “Woo! That’s what’s up, bitches! My balls! In your holes!” Sarah putts without looking, misses twice, thirst-traps Chino the whole time. When she corners Chino on the beer run, she undoes his pants and goes to town, and Chino is so freaked out he can’t finish. Back at the hole, the boys land on the only logical theory: Sarah is an alien getting her womb ready for Chino’s hybrid humalien babies. “Dude, I say just coitally decerebrate her and get it over with. It’s not like there’s a galactic authority that’s going to come to Earth and squeeze child support out of you.” Mary Jane counters with the praying mantis theory: has sex, then chops his head off. Homeboy texts Chino mid-seduction: “Yo, praying mantis.” Then: “She’s a praying mantis.” Sarah grabs the phone and flings it out of the castle.
Homeboy and Mary Jane search the course and find Chino stumbling out of the castle, shirtless, pants open, drenched in thick blue liquid with clumps of blue, red, and green clinging to him like cosmic meat confetti. “She exploded,” he says flatly. Mary Jane peeks inside. “That’s just gross.” Back at the apartment, Chino sits clean in a pink robe, towel turban, and fluffy pink bunny slippers, shellshocked, while the three of them pass a joint in silence.
Featuring Chino, Homeboy, Sarah Yazzie, Mary Jane, Gerald, Buddy.
Read the full story in The Adventures of Chino & Homeboy, Volume 02