Volume 02, Story 6
Chino is locked into his video game when Homeboy walks in with a mint tin and a treasure inside: another experimental joint from Uncle Rob. “Uncle Rob hooked it up with another sweet-ass joint to smoke.” There is an incantation first: “Alli permutat anima Kimota.” It has a name, Azathoth OG, or some shit like that. Homeboy lights it, and the smoke curls into a smoky silhouette of himself that hovers in the air before trailing the joint. Chino hits it and watches his own hazy replica form. They pass it back and forth, the smoke figures dissolving into the ember each time, until one exchange produces no figure at all. Homeboy stares at the joint. “Ah man, how’d it do that?” “Do what?” “Put the joint in my hand.” Both of them look down. “Argh!” “What, homie? Argh!” “Argh!” “Argh!” They stare at each other in mute horror, brains buffering like dial-up internet, until Chino breaks: “What the fuck just happened?!” Homeboy grabs at his new body. “Homeboy, I think we swapped bodies.” “No shit?!” They burst out laughing. “That’s fucking cool.”
Then the phones start beeping. Sarah Yazzie wants to know what time to come over for “some freaky deaky.” Mary Jane texts that she’s got “a hungry monkey.” Homeboy runs his hands down his new body and grabs experimentally. Chino slaps his hand away: “Órale homie! What the fuck?! Are you molesting me o qué la?” The negotiations over borrowed anatomy get thorough. Homeboy: “Are you gonna whack off with my dick?!” Chino: “The thought crossed my mind, eh. I mean, look at this thing.” The bathroom logistics are worse. Chino, inside: “How do you shit with this fucking thing?!” Homeboy, outside: “Please tell me you didn’t let my dick touch the water!” The ruling that survives: “Entonces… don’t shake it more than twice.”
Homeboy’s solution to the whole crisis is immediate: “We’ll organize an orgy!” Chino leans forward, eyes wide: “That’s a great fucking idea! You think the girls will go for it?” At Mary Jane’s apartment, Sarah is having none of it. “Absofuckinglutely not!” Mary Jane believes the body-swap story on sight (“I’ve seen some crazy shit”), but Sarah draws the line at the orgy: “I mean, I’m horny-but I’m not twenty guys running a train on me horny.” And: “It’s already fucking weird that Chino is inside Homeboy.” Homeboy blinks. “That sounded gay.” Then Sarah does what Sarah does: she thinks. “Shouldn’t we be driving to Uncle Rob’s mansion and asking him for more of that weed to switch them back?” Chino jerks his chin at Homeboy. “Dude, your ruca is a thinker, eh.” “Simón.”
Uncle Rob leans on his cane, Killian beside him with one hand under his chin, and delivers the bad news: “Can’t help you.” “What?! You grew it and made it!” “Yeah. I make a single joint and they’re my guinea pigs. I see what happens and then determine if it’s worth my while to make more or say fuck it.” “Then just make one more and change them back!” “Even if I gave a fuck, I can’t.” He turns and walks down the hallway: “I have a world to balance. Good night.” Killian explains the real risk: even regrowing the plant changes the genetics, and the effects could leave them switched permanently. His prescription: wait it out. “Couple hours. Couple days. Couple weeks.” Mary Jane mentions she’s been stuck in the fourth dimension once. Killian mentions he was a super-powered pit fighter because of Uncle Rob’s marijuana experiments. Sarah rubs a hand down her face, drops onto the couch between them, and takes a deep breath. “Okay… let’s have an orgy.” Rules: more chicks than dudes, and “Stay out of the back door. That’s reserved for this guy, whenever he gets back into his body. Clear?!” Killian raises his hand. “Mind if I join? I haven’t experienced an orgy since the Age of Enlightenment.”
The boys hit the mall with crudely written flyers. “Want to come to our orgy?” Too soon. Killian, handed the whole stack, clears it effortlessly: “It’s ‘cause he’s white.” “Yeah, and handsome.” “And tall.” Meanwhile Sarah and Mary Jane discover that organizing an orgy is actual labor: “Goddamn it! Who thought it would be this hard to organize an orgy.” Mary Jane’s organizing experience comes from a spicy film called Katie Bloom: RSVP Yes to Everything, where she “just showed up, got naked, and started giving blowjobs.” A recruiter’s dick pic gets reviewed with professional detachment: “Good God! That thing would rearrange my insides!” “Meh… I’ve had bigger.”
The guests are an hour late, so the four start without them. “Then let’s start with Killian.” Paper, scissor, rock, best two of three, until Chino suggests they skip the turns: “if Chino and me were you, we would just bang Killian at the same time. Fuck taking turns.” “Let’s do that.” “Oh fuck yeah! Angel’s threesome!” Killian heads upstairs with both women on his arms. Alone on the couch, Chino finds the leftover joint in the mint tin. “Alli permutat anima Kimota.” The smoke figures form and dissolve one last time. Then Homeboy checks his pants: “Hey! I’m back!” Chino checks his own: “Fuck yeah!” He cradles his crotch like a long-lost exotic pet. A knock at the door: a large crowd of beautiful people, dressed like they stepped out of the same high-end fashion shoot. “Órale…” The party had arrived.
Featuring Chino, Homeboy, Sarah Yazzie, Mary Jane, Uncle Rob, Killian.
Read the full story in The Adventures of Chino & Homeboy, Volume 02