Volume 02, Story 12
Homeboy and Mary Jane are tangled on the couch when Lucy and Killian walk in unannounced and get paintball pistols pulled on them from under the cushions. Lucy has a proposal: the new strip club that just opened. Mary Jane perks up. “Hell yeah! I haven’t worked at that one yet. I’ve been dying to see what it looks like inside.” Chino and Sarah Yazzie are in the bedroom, and Homeboy cracks the door just enough to let a tidal wave of passionate sound erupt through the gap. “See.” An hour later the whole crew rolls to the Jiggly Room.
From the office window above the main floor, Mr. Bitches watches the crew come in, and his eyes lock onto Chino and Homeboy. Behind him stands Freja, tall, athletic, and imposing. “Should I get rid of them, sir?” “Yes… kill them.” Freja blinks. “Excuse me?” He shakes it off like waking from a trance, pours a whiskey, and waves it away. “No… no. Let them enjoy themselves.” Then his gaze drifts past the boys and lands on the flame-haired woman returning to her seat beside Killian. He presses his hand against the glass. “Who… is… that… magnificent creature?” “She is the epitome of perfection. Look at her. Her red hair. Those green, alluring eyes. She is like a fallen angel. I must have her.” Freja offers to send a recruiter. “Not yet. Let me… admire her from afar.” Alone. Freja leaves without a sound. Mr. Bitches opens a drawer, pulls out a Fleshlight and a bottle of lubricant, and settles into his chair with his eyes locked on Lucy. “You will be mine.”
On the floor, a red-haired dancer offers Chino a private dance, and Sarah promptly claims the dancer for herself instead. The waitress brings Sarah a drink she did not order. “On the house, compliments of the owner.” In the VIP room the dancer tucks Sarah’s cash into her purse and starts to move. Lucy grows suspicious: the private dances are lasting too long. She and Killian take a dancer into VIP, get the same complimentary drinks, clink glasses, and drink. “Oh yeah… this is some bullshit.” They wake up in a cell, cold stone and dim light, Lucy’s head in Mary Jane’s lap.
The PA crackles. “Hello, my lovelies. It’s me. Your much forlorn Mr. Bitches.” He has missed his nemeses, Chino and Homeboy, and he names his price: “I want your beautiful red-haired goddess of sex to dance for me.” Sarah asks the clarifying question: does he want her to dance forever, or will he let them out forever? “If you yearn to be free of my prison, you must sacrifice your red-haired angel to me. She will dance for me and only me. Forever.” “Fuck you.” He gives them time to think, before he starts eliminating their friends one by one. The cell erupts into the worst possible argument: Sarah and Lucy tearing into each other over jealousy, dick-measuring, and thousands of millions of dicks, until Mary Jane accidentally reveals the Amazons. “You didn’t say shit about Amazons.” “Oh! Did I say Amazons?” “What did I say they were before?” “You said they were aliens.” “Technically, they are aliens.” “Oh really?! And they had their way with you?” “Sometimes.” “We’re going to talk about this later.”
Lucy pounds on the cell door and agrees to dance. Freja lets her out and locks the door behind her. Then Homeboy raises a hand. “I can open it!” He pulls bobby pins from his hair, unbent, fiddles the lock, and swings the door open. Sarah stares. “How long have you known how to pick locks? And please don’t say you just figured it out.” He whistles innocently. “That long.” “So you could’ve opened this door any time?” “Technically, yeah.” “Why didn’t you?” “No one asked me to.” Chino steps in fast. “Baby… Marine. Remember?” “You knew!”
The Jiggly Room is empty except for the dancers, Freja, and Mr. Bitches, sitting smug with a Fleshlight in one hand and a remote in the other. Lucy steps out of the curtain dressed like a literal angel. “Dance!” She moves awkwardly at first, then spots the crew in the shadows and stops. “I don’t have to dance for you.” “And why not?” “Because my friends are free.” The dancers grab her, the crew rushes forward and gets caught too, and Mr. Bitches reveals the truth about his dancers: “Oh no… they’re machines. My next-generation sex robots. Specially programmed to seduce and sexually satisfy every desire.” He makes Lucy dance at remote-point while Killian works a sheathed sword out from behind his chair and tosses it to her in a smooth arc. Lucy catches it mid-spin. “Kill her.” The sexbots charge the stage, and Lucy does not stop dancing. The sword becomes part of the routine as she slashes and spins through the attacking machines. Metal limbs fly. Heads roll. Oil sprays across the stage. Even Freja, the last to fall, goes down beneath Lucy’s blade. When it is done, only sparking limbs and twitching parts remain. Mr. Bitches joins the applause in stunned slow claps, voice quivering with awe. “Bravo! Bra-fucking-vo! I’ve never seen anything so spectacular. Tell me, angel. Who are you?” Lucy stands tall on the stage, chest heaving. “I’m the Devil.” “You most certainly are.”
Back at Chino’s apartment, everyone is packed around the couch in a loose sprawl, joints smoldering. Killian exhales a stream of smoke. “I think it’s safe to say that Mary Jane is never going to work at the Jiggly Room.” “Oh, most definitely not.” Sarah’s eyes meet Lucy’s. “Hey… Sarah, I’m sorry for all the drama.” “Shut up… Bitch, you know I love you.” Mary Jane raises her joint in a toast. “There. Now we’re all friends again.” For the moment, the apartment is peaceful again.
Featuring Homeboy, Mary Jane, Lucy, Killian, Chino, Sarah Yazzie, Mr. Bitches, Freja.
Read the full story in The Adventures of Chino & Homeboy, Volume 02