Edward

Status: One-off

A vampire in a LAMBDA LAMBDA LAMBDA sweater, one half, with Jacob, of a frat-house duo trying to solve their dating problem by going vegan. He drugs and abducts Homeboy to feed on him, discovers ganja-tainted blood tastes like a skunk that fell into a gasoline tank and died, and spends the rest of the story getting out-scammed by everyone in the house.

Description

Pasty, pale, frosted tips (this is not what I imagined when I chose immortality and frosted tips), with faintly light-reflecting eyes in the dark. Presents as the slightly more cautious of the pair: he says wait until the deliveries are done (no cops sniffing around) and warns don’t drink too much, we have to keep him alive, reminding Jacob not to overdo the roofie. He’s constantly wrong anyway.

Role in Volume 01

In Count Dragula, Edward overhears trees and weed in the grocery store and decides the dispensary guy is the answer to the vegan-chicks problem, since animal blood is off his menu. He lures Homeboy into an alley (psst… you like herbs?), roofies him in the frat house, and recoils gagging from the first bite. He ties the victim to a bed in a produce room, entertains Amy and Tara while trying to hide all of this, and gets exposed twice: first by the money mix-up (the cabbage, the broccoli, the green, he thought vegetables), then by Count Dragula, who clocks that Edward squinted at a photo, and vampires have perfect vision. He folds instantly when Chino threatens to call Uncle Rob and his heart-stakes: yeah, yeah, go get your friend. He’s upstairs.

Relationships

• Jacob: his partner in every bad decision; Edward is the brakes, Jacob is the gas, and neither works.
• Homeboy: his victim, his tormentor’s punchline (he tastes like a fucking skunk dipped in gasoline), and the reason the evening collapses.
• Amy and Tara: the dates he loses the moment the vampire thing comes out.
• Count Dragula: the bigger vampire who sees straight through him.

Notes

• Running gag: every attempt at menace dissolves into logistics: keep him alive, don’t drink too much, cover the erection with a towel.