Jacob

Status: One-off

A vampire in a LAMBDA LAMBDA LAMBDA sweater, the other half, with Edward, of the frat-house duo. He’s the enthusiasm to Edward’s caution: quicker to suggest snatching Homeboy immediately and quicker to panic, and the one who has to be talked out of drinking more of the roofied, ganja-fouled blood. Survives the story mostly by agreeing with whoever spoke last.

Description

Pasty and pale like Edward, with the same sweater-clad camouflage. Operates on pure impulse: should we snatch him up right now? is his answer to everything, and his big contribution to the seduction of Amy and Tara is fumbling with his pants when they ask to see the money. Memorable lines include I’d rather suck blood from this guy’s dick than do animals again and the dawning oh… we didn’t know you were talking about money.

Role in Volume 01

In Count Dragula, Jacob is Edward’s partner in the abduction: he helps carry the roofied Homeboy upstairs and takes the other forearm for the feeding, gagging exactly as hard at the taste. He ties the victim up and fetches produce for his recovery, then spends the Amy/Tara visit oscillating between horniness and damage control, including the towel-over-the-erection incident, which he discovers. When Count Dragula exposes them and the girls walk, Jacob’s contribution to the post-mortem is: now how are we supposed to get laid?

Relationships

• Edward: his partner; Jacob provides the momentum, Edward provides the (failed) restraint.
• Homeboy: victim turned punchline; Jacob’s verdict on the blood stands as the story’s filthiest simile.
• Amy and Tara: the evening’s would-be conquests, lost to honesty.

Notes

• Jacob is the story’s purest id: every instinct he has is wrong, and he follows all of them.