Volume 02, Story 10
Chino and Sarah Yazzie are tangled on the couch in a passionate make-out session when Lucy knocks. Sarah leaves the two of them to talk, and Lucy gets straight to it. “I have a serious problem.” “Dos Santos is back.” Chino recoils. “How?!” Lucy was at a club in Amsterdam, dancing and corrupting the youth like she does, when he walked in and shot the place up. They buried him alive, tied up, and he still came back. “Yeah… but I don’t know what to do. Please… just help me. I don’t have anyone else to turn to.” Homeboy wanders in, grabs a beer, and hears enough to get serious. This is above their pay grade. They go to Uncle Rob.
Uncle Rob’s mansion smells faintly of Cuban cigars. He listens, then starts with the theology. “So you’re the Devil?” “Yes.” “So you’re telling me there’s a God?” “Yes… I guess.” “Why is he such a fucking prick?” “It… God is sexless.” “Okay… not what I fucking asked.” Lucy walks out. “Fuck this.” Chino throws his hands up. “What the fuck, Uncle Rob?!” Rob limps off. “There’s only room enough on this planet for one devil. And I don’t like competition.”
Next stop: Uncle Hank’s caravan, impossibly large inside, smelling of gun oil, tobacco, and something herbal. Uncle Hank runs the same catechism, gets Lucy’s full self-description (“I’m just a horny fallen angel who likes doing lines of coke off girls’ tits and smoking pot ‘til dawn, all while getting my brains fucked out of my skull by King Kong-sized men with King Kong-sized dicks”), and starts counting weapons on his fingers: a fifty-caliber sniper rifle, C4, shoot him out and plant the charges. Then Homeboy smells smoke. The caravan is on fire. Uncle Hank scrambles for the extinguisher as Chino grabs Lucy and bolts. The caravan explodes in a thunderous blast, and through the haze Homeboy sees Dos Santos charging at him with a sword. Muffled gunshots drop him. Uncle Hank stands nearby, smoke spiraling off his trench coat, and gives Homeboy a sharp nod. They pile into the Gremlin, Uncle Hank shoving it to a start, and peel away as Dos Santos emerges from the fire sprinting after them. He slows. He opens his shirt, revealing bullet wounds already knitting themselves closed. “Who the fuck was that?” “That was a demon hunter.” “Demon hunter?! Why the fuck won’t he die?!” “Fuck if I know, Uncle Hank. He just has that much Jesus in him.”
At Uncle Rob’s mansion, Homeboy carries Chino in over his shoulder. Uncle Hank helps a limping Lucy. Rob whistles, and Jesus and a few Mexicans emerge from the hallway to tend to Chino. Killian comes downstairs and locks eyes with Lucy; they exchange an unspoken message, and he kisses the back of her hand like a gentleman. “I would have preferred to meet under less severe circumstances, but nonetheless, charmed.” Killian studies the problem and lands on it: Dos Santos is likely an immortal, one of the oldest. Then Homeboy’s phone rings. MARY JANE. Her voice is panicked. “Homeboy! You have to come quick! That crazy fucker with white eyes and no dick is back and I think he’s trying to kill us.” The line dies. Lucy stays to watch Chino. Uncle Hank shuts that down. “With all due respect, fuck you, bitch. That monster wants you. You’re our bait.”
Mary Jane’s apartment shows the signs of a violent struggle. Killian finds a note in Spanish: Dos Santos has taken the girls to the Ominous Forest and plans to bury them alive. At the forest’s edge, Chuy and Rawr emerge from the trees, expressions grave. Killian leads the group in, senses the immortal, and splits the party: Lucy with him, Uncle Hank and Homeboy approaching the grave indirectly. In a freshly dug pit, Homeboy finds Sarah and Mary Jane tied up and furious, bickering about shovelfuls of dirt. He jumps in with Uncle Hank’s commando knife, cuts them loose, and they human-ladder their way out. Then Uncle Hank stumbles back supporting Lucy, who has taken a deep swipe to the abdomen. Sarah presses her blouse against the wound. Lucy, the Devil, reminds them she can heal, she just needs a place to sit. Then lightning erupts through the forest, blinding bolts striking everywhere, and stops as abruptly as it began. Killian emerges from the shadows, stumbling, collapsing to one knee, flecked with blood and smiling wearily. “It’s done.” Lucy caresses his cheek. “Thank you.”
Chino wakes in what looks like a hospital, Sarah asleep in a chair beside him. She fills him in: Dos Santos sliced Lucy deep in the stomach, and even the Devil’s healing has limits. Chino frowns. “Dos Santos?” Killian’s voice comes from the doorway. “Dead, my friend. Dos Santos is dead.” He lays a familiar sword at the foot of Chino’s bed with solemn pride. Homeboy barges in, shoves everyone aside, hugs Chino, and produces a vape pen. He takes a dramatic toke and exhales a smooth cloud. “Celebration time.” Chino grins wide. “It’s a celebration, bitches!”
Featuring Chino, Sarah Yazzie, Lucy, Homeboy, Mary Jane, Uncle Rob, Uncle Hank, Jesus, Killian, Dos Santos, Chuy, Rawr.
Read the full story in The Adventures of Chino & Homeboy, Volume 02