Volume 02, Story 3
Chino and Homeboy lean against the stucco wall of Mr. Dealer’s Dispensary in uniforms reading “Mrs. Dealer’s Edibles,” passing a joint and praising the product, when Mrs. Dealer delivers the news: she and Mr. Dealer are going wine tasting in Argentina, and the boys will run the shop under supervision. Chino drops to his knees, overcome. “I’ve never owned a weed dispensary before in my life. It’s been a childhood dream since I was a little baby.” The supervision part: Greg watches the factory, the boys handle the front. Deliveries are suspended for two weeks. At Uncle Rob’s mansion that night, passing a hookah-bong with Mary Jane, Killian, Chuy, and Rawr, Uncle Rob hears the plan and narrows his eyes. “Don’t fuck it up.”
The next morning brings zero customers and a rehearsed welcome speech the boys perform with full arm-flourish. Their first real visitor is Uncle Rob, who watches the routine and blinks. “I always knew you guys were gay.” Then he drops the actual agenda: “I’m here to take over production and operations.” He snaps his fingers and Mexicans flood the dispensary, Jesus leading them with a clipboard. Uncle Rob follows them through the back door and closes it.
In Argentina, Mr. and Mrs. Dealer settle into a sunlit wine bar while Mr. Dealer stares into his glass, marijuana on the brain. “I should call.” His wife’s hand lands on his wrist. “Honey, you’re worrying over nothing. Chino, Homeboy, and Greg can handle us being gone for two weeks just fine.” He downs his wine in one go. “You’re right. What can go wrong?”
Back in the dispensary’s back office, Greg sits tied to a chair under a lone hanging lamp while Uncle Rob interrogates him. “I’m taking over this joint, and no one is going to stand in my way. Do you understand?” “Why?” “Because I’m bored.” A Mexican duct-tapes Greg’s mouth shut. On the catwalk above the production floor, Uncle Rob addresses the Kush Monsters and Kush Fairies: “Listen up, Kush People! You have nothing to fear. I’m here to ensure that all your operations go smoothly and that production doubles. We are doing this for your masters! We are doing this for the betterment of mankind! And most importantly… we are doing this for you!” Cheers explode. Greg hears them from his chair and hangs his head.
The occupation runs on war-room logistics: a factory map, LEGO figures for the Mexicans, gummy bears and paperclips for the Kush Monsters. The Distribution Center monsters refuse to load trucks and gas Pedro when he tries to negotiate. Then the night-vision raid: a Kush Monster lunges from the shadows and drags a man into the gloom. “Patrón, they took Jaime.” The radio crackles, reports the factory floor lost, and dies. Jesus asks if they should abandon the plan. Uncle Rob’s cane hits the floor. “I say when we abandon the plan! It’s only been a week. We need two more days. Buy me two more fucking days.”
Meanwhile the boys hear screams through the back door, return calmly to their chairs, and light joints. “Órale, Chino, hearing that shit reminds me of back when we were on the FOB.” “Simón. All that’s missing is the mortar shells coming in and I could sleep like a baby.”
The end comes in the HR office, now a fortress. Four Kush Fairies and two Kush Monsters surround Uncle Rob, and Greg walks in. “No hard feelings?” “None at all.” Uncle Rob finishes a glass of scotch older than he is, stubs his cigar out on the desk, and the HR Kush Fairy wails. “Really?!” “That’s my fucking desk, you fucking heathen!” “How am I supposed to get that out?!” The monsters drag Uncle Rob out and toss him into the street, where Chino and Homeboy watch, cheerfully unfazed. Greg bans him from the dispensary for life. Uncle Rob dusts himself off, wriggles his fingers like a cartoon wizard, and limps off: “Now… if you’ll excuse me. I have a world to get back to dominating.” When the Dealers return from Argentina, the boys nail the welcome speech, and Mr. Dealer nods. “Not bad… not bad at all. Good job, boys.”
Featuring Chino, Homeboy, Mr. Dealer, Mrs. Dealer, Greg, Uncle Rob, Mary Jane, Killian, Chuy, Rawr, Kush Monsters, Kush Fairies, HR Kush Fairy, Jesus.
Read the full story in The Adventures of Chino & Homeboy, Volume 02