Mr. Dealer

Character reference art generated with AI.

Aliases: none Status: Recurring

Mr. Dealer is “a wiry man, all sharp edges and thick glasses… with the permanent sneer of a man who had once made Wall Street money and left because the sharks started looking like goldfish” (399). His first line on seeing Chino and Homeboy is a resigned “Fuck me” (401), and that’s his register for the rest of the volume. He supplies the friction: peeling off toward the King Taco line rather than joining her hug (405), staying out of it entirely while she covers their tab unasked (417). With him, help has to be paid for. The dispensary that anchors the couple’s business carries his name on the sign, “Mr. Dealer’s Dispensary” (2347), and he runs it the same way he runs every other transaction with them: grumbling that he won’t count out a pile of change (1647) before grinding through the count anyway (1651-1699), and hurling coins back at Homeboy’s chest when they come up short (1401). His default greeting at his own front door is “Hey, fucker, shut your fucking cockhole. What the fuck do you fucking want?” No first or full name for him ever surfaces in the text, so he stays title-only.

The Adventures: Volume 01

Mr. Dealer physically appears in six of the volume’s thirteen stories: Uncle Rob’s Time Portal, The Last Blunt, Nature Sucks, Mrs. Dealer and the Edibles Factory, Count Dragula, and El Cucuy and the Nightmares, plus one story where he’s mentioned but never on the page (There Can Be Only One, see below). In Uncle Rob’s Time Portal, his first appearance, he’s present at King Taco but takes no part in feeding Chino and Homeboy; that’s entirely his wife’s doing, and he peels away to the order line the moment she offers (405, 417). He appears twice in The Last Blunt: first turning them away at his own doorway over a handful of pennies, “Dime bags are ten fucking bucks” (1405), sealed with a middle finger and an invitation to sit on it and rotate, then relenting once they scrounge a full ten dollars, receiving them in a towel-wrapped head, cucumber facial, and silk robe (“You fucking two? What the fuck do you two fucks want?” … “What the fuck do you want? A fucking cookie?”) and making them sit through his slow count of the coins at the kitchen table while Mrs. Dealer serves cocoa and cookies and swats him for cursing (1651-1699). By Nature Sucks the business has moved into a proper storefront, referred to by Homeboy as “his new dispensary” (1933); there Mr. Dealer sells to Chino and Chuy over a hostile intercom exchange: “How the fuck did you find me?” … “Don’t you fucking talk about my hot-ass wife like that!”, mocking Homeboy as “Homoboy,” trading middle fingers with Chuy through the security camera (2371-2417), then flying into a rage when Chuy destroys a chair that belonged to his grandmother (2447-2453) and snatching the weed back, then, on learning Chuy had just helped wipe out a rival pot farm’s operators, doing a full about-face, refunding the twenty dollars and throwing in a full jar of joints besides: “For taking care of my competition” (2477-2485).

Mrs. Dealer and the Edibles Factory has him objecting loudly to hiring the pair at all, still sore about the chair, “They had a Sasquatch in here the last time, and it broke my grandmother’s chair” (3920), grabbing Chino’s arm for a menacing “Don’t fuck anything up” (3932), and getting overruled by his wife on the spot; he closes out the story narrating their orientation video in a company shirt he’s visibly unhappy to be wearing (4038-4050). In Count Dragula, a phone call derails a date-night grocery run built around wine he picked out himself (5840), and he tries to stop his wife from answering (5852); he spends the drive to the dispensary in a “flurry of silent rage” (5886) before unlocking the shop, handing off that night’s delivery bags to Homeboy (5972), and locking back up “with the finality of a man whose night had been thoroughly ruined” (5992). Later in the same story, at the counter, he rants about Chino and Homeboy’s chronic lateness and wants to fire them (6122-6158), only for Mrs. Dealer to overrule him again (6164). He and Mrs. Dealer close out El Cucuy and the Nightmares running the THC sample truck outside the Colosseum together: assigning the boys sample duty (7368-7388), griping about their tardiness (7340, 7466, 7660-7666), then scrambling to keep El Cucuy supplied once his product turns out to be a hit backstage (7678-7702), and the two of them are still clinking wine glasses together later in the same story, at the after-party (7924).

He’s referenced once more without appearing: in There Can Be Only One, Homeboy grumbles in passing about how “Mr. Dealer looked at me like I was crazy for asking for a bike” (4424), a callback to an off-page exchange, not a scene Mr. Dealer is actually in.

The Adventures: Volume 02

• Uncle Rob and the Edibles Factory: Leaves for an Argentina wine-tasting vacation, puts Chino and Homeboy in charge of the dispensary over his own objections, and frets about the shop the whole trip. Returns to find everything intact and tells the boys “good job.”
• Mr. Bitches and the Emporium of Sex: Sends the boys on the Emporium delivery, hands them the keys to the Gremlin, and warns them not to die (Mrs. Dealer would be heartbroken).
• Of Rednecks and Vampires: Opens the closed dispensary as the vampire hunt’s staging area (“all of you better buy something”).
• Mr. Dealer and the Intergalactic Authority: Gets abducted by the Intergalactic Authority, fires Chino and Homeboy mid-crisis, and stonewalls Cthulhu’s interrogation about his hybrid plants. Breaks when Homeboy suggests Mrs. Dealer was taken to the incinerators; reveals the plants grew wild by the dispensary and consents to a facility inspection.

Military Chronicles

Record not yet declassified.

Space Adventures

Record not yet declassified.